From the last journal you all could guess i was having something relatively big on my hands to be capable to get myself started and manage to do some savings.
Well, not only that failed, but my mother figured out i was trying to get myself to do some shir art after quite a painful interrogation.
Her response, as "anyone with a brain" would, is to throw my efforts through the drain, again, and force me to hand out some CVs to clothing stores. Because those are so, so, similar things to System Administration and Illustration, and because noone knows already that me being outside for more than 4 hours burns the fuck out of me and when i come at home i am an unstoppable ball of anxiety and anger. But yeah, sure "i need the money so you'll send these CV's to these stores and to this phantom place that is collecting CV's for no reason and without any other context whatshowever because your brother can work out attending out to the public and you must too"... and because me being stuck working from 8-15 and having school from 15-22 will allow me to either study or do anything about working regarding art and Sys Admining. Because everything makes so much fucking sense.
It later proceeded with about an hour and a half about how i do nothing on the internet and that all the time i am here sitting doing nothing i could spend it doing something productive and getting money. Because gathering resources, trying to get myself to do several Search Engine related works from home, and getting myself ready to do comissions and a project involving video is not trying to get myself a way to gain money, while doing something i enjoy and i know. Of course.
And it is not like many people here gives a fuck about my art anyways, and it's not like somehow in the scene i have a fame of being an asshole because some butthurt asses who stole shit from me. ( not the demoscene, but the hacking and indie game developing scene, noone knows me on the DS anyway since Tom does the hard work and is the visible head anyway ). And it is not like a large amount of people have shown disinterest for all the things i do anyway.
It's funny though. because some of these people also always complain that i never get any works out in the wild in a time that is not at least 40 days. It is kind of hard to get anywhere when all of your available energy is spent on trying to pull oneself through the day and trying not to breakdown at your family's systematic abuse. And the many people who throw down your art.
It is kind of hard to get anything done when you live in a place where everything you do is dead before it even is started.
But in the end. most of this is my fault. for not being able to do all the things anyway. but also i guess it's not my fault either because most of these circumstances are lose-lose situations that i have no way to control.
I have spent the first half of the morning trying not to break down, and the second half trying to not get crazy and stand in the middle of a road or throw myself out the window. But i can only do so much and who knows how close i am to my utter breaking point. While i am making certain progress involving assertiveness and general self governing, it feels like her usual attacks inflict so much damage. or maybe she's hitting harder, she has always pulled off shit like this and i honestly don't know anymore.
The last few minutes prior to writting this have felt just like if i were watching myself and observing how worthless i am and everything i've done and i everi will is.and how if i just ended, there would be no need for fighting or trying to pursue anything, since there would be nothing to begin with.
On a lighter note, my dog decided to be an asshole, make my mother angry, refusing me to clean me, and now she forcing me to do things she is aware i can not do or that they are excrutiatingly painful. But hey, i guess i can not complain about pain, i am just 21, am i right?
I usually do not write this often because apparently people believe that someone facing depression and abuse is just being an attention whore. I guess it makes sense thanks to the people who constantly manipulate others so they are always on the spotlight. But someone who has read my whereabouts clearly knows this shit is serious, and tbh, who would want to suffer what i suffer just for attention anyway.
On a genuinely brighter side though. just unloading this into this textbox is somehow helping me stop the stream ofeverything that's going on. Being honest. if i am going to have shit thouhts, at least they better be organized.
I honestly wish she was dead. even though given the economical dependence i have off her it would pretty much imply my doom too. but still.
Update: While it is not something that should surprise anyone. she is making fun of me for having a breakdown and saying that i am a wuss that wants to leech her forever instead of sending CVs. Which is funny since she also gets mad when i do actually send CVs, and it's not like i sent many CV's already. But hey, looking at rabbits while i am sobbing is such a disgraceful and unproductive thing to do. It's much more productive to keep on insulting away indeed.